What to Say When … You're Dying on the Platform

What to Say When … You're Dying on the Platform

A heckler is in the audience; the overhead projector breaks; the allotted speech time runs out—these are just some of the panic-producing crises, interruptions, or distractions easily dealt with in this first-aid guide for business speakers.

Here, first-timers and experienced pros alike will find everything they need to organize, write, and deliver effective, entertaining speeches—from installations to toasts and roasts.

The guide pinpoints every possible speaking contingency—from failed electricity to a bored audience—and for each one tells how to prevent it, what to do about it, and what to say about it. Its treasury of witty, off-the-cuff lines and audience participation devices helps speakers access the perfect words to cover any situation and captivate any audience.

Table of Symptoms

Who's Who of the Celebrity Speakers

Introduction: Before You Worry About What to Say When

Acknowledgments

Curative for Speech Delivery Problems. What to Say When:

Your Joke or Story Bombs
They Don't Applaud
You Forget Your Talk or Freeze During the Talk
You Get Sidetracked in the Middle of the Talk
You Want to Use Notes
You Run Out of Time
You Go Overtime
You Are Forced to Start the Talk Late (Your Time Is Cut)
You Arrive Late
They Ask You to Go an Extra 30 Minutes
You Run Out of Things to Say Before the Time Allotted Is Finished
You Realize You Have Not Been Given the Correct Information About the Audience
You Are into Your Story and Realize the Speaker Before You Has Already Told It
You Stumble over the Pronunciation of a Name or Word
You Trip on the Way to the Lectern
You Sweat
Your Feet Hurt
You're Wearing a Cast
You Cough, Sneeze, Have a Hoarse Throat, Pass Gas
You Get Really Ill Before or During the Talk
You Need to Use the Restroom While You Are Talking
You Need to Go on When Your Heart Is Heavy

Antidotes to Audience Problems. What to Say When

They Cough, Sneeze, Belch, Pass Wind
An Audience Member Becomes Seriously Iii
The Whole Audience Is Ill (or Hung Over)
The Audience Doesn't Care About Your Talk (No Interest)
The Audience Doesn't Want to Be There (Bad Attitude)
The Audience Has Just Had Bad News or Is Depressed
The Audience Has Just Had Good News
You Lose Control of a Wildly Enthusiastic Crowd
Hostiles and Critics Are in Your Audience
The Audience Starts Arguing with One Another in the Middle of Your Presentation
Ill-Mannered Louts Invade Your Presentation
People Make Sexual Innuendos to You During (or After) the Presentation
The Heckler Is a 2-Year-Old
You Don't Want to Answer the Question
You Don't Know the Answers to Their Questions
They Won't Ask Any Questions
You Can't Hear the Question
Someone Asks a Question That You Already Answered
You Don't Understand the Question
You Lose the Meaning When Working Through the Translator
English Is Their Second or Third Language
Presenting to a Culture (or Country) Other Than Your Own
They Yell, "I Can't Hear You"
Members of Your Audience Are Physically Disabled
You Say or Do Something Really Embarrassing (the Faux Pas)
You Misquote-and Get Caught!
You Plagiarize-and Get Caught!
You Go to Jail for Using Music in Your Talk
You Ask Them to Read Something, Then Realize They Can't Read!
You Are Speaking to an "Empty House"
The Audience Members Arrive Late During Your Talk
They Don't Want to Come Back-or Come Back Late After Breaks
An Unexpected Event Leads to a Long Break in the Action
You Want to Get a Standing Ovation
The "Stars" In Your Audience Think They Know More Than You Do
The Audience Really Does Know More Than You
Someone Starts Giving a Speech in the Middle of Your Speech
You Disagree with Your Audience
Your Temper Is About to Explode
The Audience Starts Walking Out Before You Are Done
Audience Members Are Too Shy to Volunteer
Your Audience Is Nodding in the Afternoon Slump
Someone Falls Asleep During Your Presentation
You Just Can't Think of a Witty Retort

Room and Equipment Afflictions. What to Say When:

The Mic Acts Up
The Mic Stand Needs to Be Adjusted
The Electricity Fails and the Lights Go Off
The Lighting Is Terrible (People Can't See You)
You're Blinded by the Light
The Room Is Too Hot
The Room Is Too Cold
The Room Is Too Small, Packed Too Tight, Set Up Wrong, Not Enough Chairs
The Overhead or Slide Projector Acts Up
The Light Goes Out in the Projector
Your Highlighter Runs Out of Ink
You Run Out of Handouts
You Drop Your Prop, Visual, or Document
Someone Hands You a Piece of Paper
Servers Start Clearing the Room While You Are Talking
A Photographer Is Taking Pictures During Your Talk
The Audience Is Distracted by Something Else in the Room
There's a Sudden Boom, Bang, or Crash from Outside the Room
Continuous Loud Noises Interrupt from Outside the Room
An Announcement or Music Comes Unexpectedly over the PA System
Someone's Pager or Personal Phone Goes Off
The Fire Alarms Go Off
The Sprinklers Go Off
You Need to Kill Time While Staff Takes Care of the Problem
Any Type of Technical or Mechanical Problem Occurs

Miscellaneous Maladies. What to Say When:

Your Introducer Is Awful
The "Other" Presenter Does Not Show Up
The Presenter or Jokester Before You Is Embarrassing
The Presenter Before You Attacks You
The Presenter on the Platform with You Attacks You
The Presenter After You Attacks You
The Presentation Before You Is So Outstanding, It's a Hard Act to Follow
The Presenter Before You Is So Boring, the Audience Is Dead
You Notice Misssspelllled Words in Your Materials
Your Luggage Has Been Lost
Part of You Is Showing That Shouldn't Be
You Spill Something on Yourself During the Meal
The Meal Is Served Very Late
The Weather Is Bad
Terrorists or Gang Members Crash Your Presentation
Other People Want Permission to Quote You
You Want to Keep Roasts from Going Up in Flames
The Speech Bombs-Your Ego Is Shattered
Your Ego Is Overdone
Miscellaneous Funnies You Can't Wait to Use

Group Therapy: Simple Audience Participation Exercises. What to Say When:

You Have to Leave the Room in a Hurry! Try These, Simple and Quick
Props and Preparation: Exercises for Getting Everyone Involved
Setup and Practice: Exercises for Building Experiential Learning

An Ounce of Prevention-Speech Design and Preparation Strategies

How to Design Your Speech
- Choosing the Topic
- Setting Clear Objectives
- Building Audience Retention
- Polishing Your Delivery
Simple Speech Outlines and Models
- Half-Sticky Method for Developing a Presentation Quickly
- The Jigsaw Management Model
- The Adendorif Speech Model
What to Say When
- You Open the Speech
- You Want to Touch Their Heartstrings
- You Close the Speech
Surefire Savers for Any Situation

Appendix: Resources

Glossary of Speaking Terms

Index

“The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not turbulence; it is to act with yesterday’s logic”. — Peter Drucker

The shift from manual workers who do as they are being told — either by the task or by the boss — to knowledge workers who have to manage themselves ↓ profoundly challenges social structure …

“Managing Oneself is a REVOLUTION in human affairs.” … “It also requires an almost 180-degree change in the knowledge workers’ thoughts and actions from what most of us—even of the younger generation—still take for granted as the way to think and the way to act.” …

… “Managing Oneself is based on the very opposite realities: Workers are likely to outlive organizations (and therefore, employers can’t be depended on for designing your life), and the knowledge worker has mobility.” ← in a context

These pages are attention directing tools for navigating a world moving toward unimagined futures.

It’s up to you to figure out what to harvest and calendarize
— working something out in time (1915, 1940, 1970 … 2040 … the outer limit of your concern) — nobody is going to do it for you.

It may be a step forward to actively reject something (rather than just passively ignoring) and then figure out a coping plan for what you’ve rejected.

Your future is between your ears and our future is between our collective ears — it can’t be otherwise. A site exploration starting point

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