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Friends and lovers: How to meet people you want to meet

Amazon link: Friends and Lovers: How to Meet the People You Want to Meet


Some people have all the luck when it comes to meeting the right people. Or so it seems. You know the ones we're talking about: those lucky individuals who seem to have the knack for effortlessly meeting and getting to know the people they want to meet. They're not necessarily smarter or more beautiful than the rest of us, but they seem to have something that draws others to them like a magnet.

It's true, some of us do have the ability to meet others naturally. The good news is, this is no accident of birth but a skill that you too can learn. The purpose of this book is to help you acquire that all-important skill, first by helping you find and create your ideal people-meeting environment, and then by letting you know how others successfully make contact, build rapport, and form lasting friendships and relationships.

If you've been feeling out of your element in situations supposedly designed for meeting other people, you're not alone. A large majority of the people we interviewed for this book felt the same way. Many of them suffered through less-than-wonderful people-meeting situations before they realized that it's difficult to find the right person in the wrong place. How do you find that right place? The fun social activities you love are the key to finding the right place-and the right people. So anytime you feel out of place in a social situation, you know that a key ingredient is missing. And that ingredient is your kind of fun activity.

In the hundreds of interviews we've done, in our own personal experience, and in the seminars we've led on how to meet people, one theme came up over and over again. The times we meet and get to know new friends most easily and enjoyably are naturally those times we are engaged in the activities we love. Of course, there are exceptions. All of us know people who met and became close during power blackouts, in hospitals-even at funerals. It's possible to meet someone through friends and neighbors, at work or at school, and yes, at singles' bars. But if these settings haven't worked well for you, perhaps you need to make fun an integral part of your people-meeting plan.

If the idea of planning how you're going to meet people seems too cold and calculating, consider the alternatives: doing the same old things that haven't worked, or leaving it to chance. You probably thought very carefully before accepting the job you now have; you prepared a rŽesumeŽ to reflect who you are and what you're looking for. You spent many hours researching job openings, and you probably examined the company as thoroughly as they examined you. All of this preparing, planning, and strategizing seems quite natural when it comes to our careers, but we sometimes forget that we can use these same skills to select and meet the people we want to meet.

It isn't that our social life is less important than our work life; some studies say it's more important. Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley found that people without spouses or friends had a death rate more than twice as high as those with social ties. This held true for both sexes and for all age groups and social classes and seemed to have little connection with other lifestyle factors such as drinking, smoking, or stress. The more such social ties, the lower the death rate.

Another Berkeley study of 3,000 Japanese-American men found that those who retained strong ties to the Japanese community showed a markedly lower incidence of heart disease, even when they smoked, drank, and were under stress. On the other hand, those men who had little or no connection to the community had five times as much heart disease. Researchers could only conclude that close social ties made the difference.

But meeting people is far more than a human need—it is a lifetime adventure. If you look back over your life, you'll notice that the best times you've had were times you shared with other people. Take a few moments right now to think about some of those great times and persons who've enriched your life. Just as those you have met have shaped who you are, so the people you have yet to meet will have a profound impact on your future. In light of this, don't you think that actively pursuing a social plan is at least as important as career planning?

If the people in our lives are so important to us, why do we so often leave meetings to chance, fate, and others' ideas of what we "ought to do" to meet people? For one thing, most of us grew up believing that we meet others "naturally." And most of us did through our families, on our block, at church or school. When we were in high school, and even college, an entire community of our peers was available to us daily. But now that we are adults in a highly mobile society, our workplace and communities may not provide this ready-made pool of potential friends. Many forget this and passively wait for the right people to come along. Or, they haunt the singles' bars, hoping the right person will cross their paths there—even though they sense they don't have a ghost of a chance.

People are often reluctant to actively plan how they will meet others because having a plan seems to directly contradict the romantic notion of the "magical meeting" with an exotic stranger. Let us assure you that designing and planning doesn't destroy the magic, but actually increases the chances of it occurring with the right person. By looking in the right places, you're most likely to find the ones who'll be magic for you-those likely to like you for who you are.

The principles we spell out in this book are simple, but often overlooked as you search for friends and lovers in settings that may be right for others, but are wrong for you. If you have the sense that you are the right person in the wrong milieu, you'll find this book a friendly guide for doing the things you love to do with the individuals you'd like to meet, and helping you create a network of friends-and maybe even for finding a life mate. We can't guarantee magic, but we can help you increase the possibility that magic will happen simply by shifting the emphasis from pressure to fun. This book will also help you:

  • Zero in on your favorite social activities and turn them into enjoyable ways to meet the right people.

  • Identify those you want to meet so you'll know them when you meet them.

  • Discover and select the right people-meeting settings for you.

  • "Grow your own fun" instead of waiting for it to come to you.

  • Prepare for having fun by having fun preparing.

  • Feel comfortable and confident in new social situations.

  • Establish rapport easily, ask for future contact comfortably, and if necessary, exit gracefully.

  • Use fun activities to turn acquaintances into friends.

  • Friends and lovers: How to meet people you want to meet
    • Introduction
      • How to get the most out of this book
        • Bring the book to life-interact with it!
        • Read the book actively, not passively
        • Use the book to examine yourself
        • Try the ideas out in your life
        • Play the believing game
        • Keep a people-meeting notebook
        • Write us!
        • Get a friend involved
        • Make progress at your own rate and pace
        • Above all, have fun
    • Why what you've been doing hasn't worked
      • Too much pressure
      • Too superficial
      • No way to know who is suitable
      • It doesn't feel right for you
      • Too much emphasis on meeting people, not enough on having fun
    • The best way to meet people is to do what you love to do
      • Key 1 "When you are actively doing the things you enjoy, having fun with others, and thus being yourself, you meet the people you want to meet naturally"
      • Key 2 "When you are enjoying yourself, the signal you seem to be sending is, 'Having a wonderful time, wish you were here.'"
      • Key 3 "Doing what you truly enjoy tells others who you truly are"
      • Key 4 "Where are the people you'd like to meet? They're doing the things you like to do!"
      • Key 5 "Actively is the most natural and comfortable way to make contact"
      • Key 6 "Want to be even more attractive? Be the kind of person who can turn a less-than-ideal situation into fun.?
    • What do you love to do
      • Steps
      • Tips for choosing your fun activities
    • Knowing who you want to meet and why: developing your social agenda
      • Key 7 "The better you know yourself, the better your chances for finding people who are right for you."
      • Life stage
      • Life course
      • Life style
      • Menu of positive traits
      • Key 8 "Knowing what you're looking for makes it easier to find the people you want to meet in the natural flow of life."
      • Who do you want to meet
      • Your fully developed social agenda
      • Tips for developing your ad
    • Why you need a social agenda
      • Horror story 1 and antidote
      • Key 9 "When you know what you want, you'll know when you've found it."
      • Horror story 2 and antidote
      • Key 10 "The easiest way to meet people is to combine your social agenda with your favorite activities."
      • Horror story 3 and antidote
      • Key 11 "The more clearly you communicate what you want, the more likely you are to find it!"
      • Horror story 4 and antidote
      • Key 12 "There is not such thing as rejection—only mismatches"
      • Goldilocks and the three volleyball games
      • Checklist for matching social agendas
    • The people you want to meet are out doing the things you like to do—here's how to find them
      • Key 13 "Whatever your interests are, there are literally thousands of people out there who'd love to meet you!"
      • Key 14 "When you look before you leap you can choose where you land."
      • Key 15 "Your friends and acquaintances are an excellent resource for finding social activities networks."
      • Begin with the people you know and like and radiate outward
      • Make a habit to find out what people love to do
      • Learn to get specific information tactfully
        • Get permission
        • Establish rapport
        • Make sure you offer as well as ask
        • Enjoy yourself
        • Acknowledge and appreciate the people who help you
    • Expanding your social activities network
      • Decide what you're looking for
      • Gather your resources
        • The yellow pages
        • Classified and display advertising
        • Community calendars
        • Bulletin boards
        • The library
      • Narrowing your options
        • Tips for selecting you optimal options
          • Remind yourself of your criteria
          • Know what it is you want to find out
          • Make sure you are talking to someone who know what he is talking about
          • Make sure you get as complete a picture as possible
          • Ask for references
          • Run each option past your criteria
      • Key 16 "Singles' organizations, dating services, and personal ads might work for you—if you use them to expand your social activities network."
      • Dating services
      • Singles' organizations
      • Personal Ads
      • Key 17 "Grow you own fun and design you own ideal people-meeting situation."
        • Your friends, my friends, our friends mystery dinner
        • Comedy potluck
        • Hearts and souls
        • The bark-mitzvah
    • Meeting people: your action plan
      • Steps
        • Clearly stating what you are looking for
        • Gathering options
        • Narrowing your options
        • Selecting your options
      • Tips for generating and choosing options
        • Begin immediately to generate and choose options
        • Make a commitment to yourself to get the results you want
        • Give yourself a weekly and daily objective to accomplish
        • Do this with a friend
        • Remind yourself that you can enjoy the process as well as the results
        • Keep the goal in mind at all times
        • Keep a meeting-people notebook
        • Decide how much time you will spend each week
        • Do whatever it takes to motivate yourself
    • Overcoming "stoppers": getting out of the funk and into the fun
      • Key 18 "What you believe about what will happen can strongly influence what does happen"
      • Menu of negative attitudes
      • Key 19 "When you feel good about yourself, it's easy to attract others."
      • Key 20 "The best way to handle fears of a 'bad scene' is to choose situation well, and know how you intend to handle sticky situations — before you go out."
      • Tips for declining invitations
      • Key 21 "Use the '3 for 1' rule to create three positives for every negative."
      • Key 22 "The more realistic your expectations, the less likely you are to be disappointed."
      • Tips for turning around unhelpful attitudes
    • Preparing to have fun by having fun preparing
      • Key 23 "Whether you prepare or not, you are always preparing."
      • Key 24 "Having you own positive preparation plan is like starting the party early."
      • Menu of preparation activities
      • Tips for creating you positive preparation routine
    • Making contact doing what you love to do
      • Key 25 "If the idea of meeting people leave you cold, warm up first by moving around and noticing where the fun is."
      • Key 26 "Active molecules have the most chemical interactions."
      • Key 27 "Place yourself near the person you'd like to meet."
      • Contact enhancers
      • Contact stoppers
      • Your action plan for making contact having fun
    • Creating rapport
      • Key 28 "A great way to turn other people on is to get them talking about what turns them on."
      • Tips for establishing rapport
      • Key 29 "To turn contacts into friends, you must be able to move away from what you don't want, toward what you do."
        • Graceful exits
        • Less-than-graceful exits
      • Extending invitations
        • Tips for extending invitations
      • Future contact starters
      • Future contact stoppers
      • Declining invitations
    • Turning acquaintances into friends
      • Key 30 "Fun kindles the spark of chemistry into the warmth of friendship."
      • Activities that help me get to know people
      • Key 31 "Open-ended invitations are a perfect way to find out what the other person enjoys."
      • Key 32 "If you want to kindle a flame, look for a match."
      • Menu of go-ers
      • Menu of stoppers
      • Your action plan for turning acquaintances into friends
    • Where do you want your new friend to fit in your life?
      • Life stage
      • Life style
      • Life course
      • Pitfalls
        • Delusions of "grand-eur."
        • The scarcity model
        • The perfect mate syndrome
        • Myth of rejection
      • Blending: yours, mine, and ours
        • Communication
        • Mutuality
        • Sharing
        • Play and adventure
      • Ending or changing a relationship
      • Tips for long-term success
        • Keep the lines of communication open
        • Communicate responsibly
        • Move from the problem frame to the solution frame
        • Look for mutually satisfying solutions
        • Don't neglect fun and adventure
        • Agree to disagree agreeably
        • Maintain your social activities network
      • A final word … (a lifetime process. Enjoy)


“The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not turbulence; it is to act with yesterday’s logic”. — Peter Drucker

The shift from manual workers who do as they are being told — either by the task or by the boss — to knowledge workers who have to manage themselves ↓ profoundly challenges social structure

Managing Oneself is a REVOLUTION in human affairs.” … “It also requires an almost 180-degree change in the knowledge workers’ thoughts and actions from what most of us—even of the younger generation—still take for granted as the way to think and the way to act.” …

… “Managing Oneself is based on the very opposite realities: Workers are likely to outlive organizations (and therefore, employers can’t be depended on for designing your life), and the knowledge worker has mobility.” ← in a context




These pages are attention directing tools for navigating a world moving toward unimagined futures.

It’s up to you to figure out what to harvest and calendarize
working something out in time (1915, 1940, 1970 … 2040 … the outer limit of your concern)nobody is going to do it for you.

It may be a step forward to actively reject something (rather than just passively ignoring) and then figure out a coping plan for what you’ve rejected.

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